What About Me?

Hello friends! I hope that this post finds you well. I am going to skip my usual pleasantries and just jump right into what todays discussion is. This post is for the people that feel lost, out of place, and unwanted. The people that feel like they should be farther along in life than they are right now. I want you to feel seen today. But I also want you to be challenged. I'm not just here to tell you the stuff that makes us feel fuzzy, but the stuff that sharpens us to push through and push past.

I feel like I have referenced the past season SO much in my posts but it's because this is where God has done the most work in my life. So, bare with me lol.

Anyway, the beginning of 2022 was some of the loneliest months I had ever had. Which is interesting because this was the most I had ever been surrounded by community and family. But my loneliness wasn't physical, it was mental and emotional. I felt alone in my heart and in my thoughts. I felt alone in my journey and I was so disappointed because of it. Disappointed in myself for not being better or being where I thought I should've been. Not to mention all my friends were soaring in their gifts (shout out to them)! But it felt like a place I could never escape. That no matter how much I prayed and pleaded with God, this was my new reality. Obviously, that's not true but in those moments, it felt VERY true. I fully believed that I would be single forever, live in Florida forever, and never "work in ministry" (which is another conversation for another day) again. I believed the lies. And I think that sometimes it's easier for us to believe the lies than it is to cling to the truth. Why? Because the lie feels good. "Faith, no it doesn't." Yes it does. It feels good to play the victim and release ourselves of any responsibility to choose better or believe for better. Let's be real for a moment. It's just you and me here so we can be honest with each other. How about I be honest with you.

Have you ever asked God these questions or is it just me?

What about my dreams, God? What about the promises you spoke to me? What about my gift and my desires? Where are my blessings and opportunities? You've done it for them, so when is it going to be my turn? Do you you even care about me anymore?

These are the questions of a heart desperate for something to cling to. Desperate for more than Christian clichés and surface level solutions. Desperate for more than what opportunity and blessing can offer. What happens when the idle words of friends and leaders don't work anymore? When nothing people say or do seem to encourage you like it used to. What do you do then?

I remember when I was at my loneliest and nothing seemed to work, I told God "I don't want to rely on the words of man, but I want your words to be the thing that anchor me and be the catalyst of encouragement in my life." That means I had to get up and do my part. I was reading my bible but I really needed to read it. I needed to digest it and apply it. I needed to say it when lies arose. I needed to declare it when worry got the best of me. Not to mention, if you really read those questions closely, you realize how selfish we can be.

A few months ago, I was in worship and I was just so caught up in God's presence. Like just emotional because I could feel Him. And in the midst of that I asked in my heart, why haven't I felt this before? What has been missing or blocking THIS level of intimacy. So clearly the Holy Spirit showed me how I have made our relationship all about me. All that God can do for me and all that He should do for me. I was under the impression that He owed me. But the bible says:

Romans 11:34-36 " For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been His counselor? Or who has given the gift to him that he might be repaid? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever."

The danger in lower seasons, is leaving ourselves vulnerable to becoming prideful and growing resentful toward the Lord. But more blessing, more opportunity, and more fulfilled desires won't heal that broken place. What begins the healing is repentance. Reminding ourselves of our rightful place and His. Everything we are and everything that we do is attributed to Him. And when we forget that or even ignore that we find ourselves battling those same questions that just make us go around and around and around and around.

At the top of last year I asked God to allow me to experience His majesty in a new way. In the real way. In the miraculous and unthinkable. Obviously, my expectations were not at all what He had in mind. I wanted open doors but He wanted maturity. I wanted love and union but He wanted healing. I wanted big and exciting but He wanted firm and steadfast. He did show me His majesty and His miracle working power. He showed me His majesty in the little things and the secret place. Not in opportunity or material things that I thought I needed. But the miracle He showed me was that He still loves me even when I blatantly sin without any regard for what He’s done for me. The miracle is that I'm still breathing and have a hope and a future according to His word. The miracle is that He is never done with me, even when, in my flesh, I feel done with Him.

He’s a big God that cares about the little things. And the only way to learn that is in the lonely seasons. In the seasons where you are down to nothing but you and God. If we claim that He’s the same yesterday, today, and forever then that means He’s the same up high as He is below. I leave you with this as an encouragement:

Hebrew 6:10 " For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for His name in serving the saints, as you still do."

He has not forgotten you and He never will. He sees all that you do for Him. But the question that arises from that truth is, do you believe Him? Do you trust Him? Do you believe that He has a plan for your life beyond this moment. Let your answer be the starting point of diving into deeper intimacy with Him. He counsels you through whatever season you are in. Whether it's a low or a high.