The Faith Plague

Hi friends and Happy Saturday!!! It has been crazy long since I have sat down and written a full post. I have drafts, journals and notes but I haven’t written a complete thought in awhile. Life has been super good in a lot of ways!! I have gotten so much uncensored time with friends, I have been able to be present in all the ways I want and absent in all the ways I need. To be honest, I haven’t stewarded it the best - mostly when it comes to my attitude and perspective. I have been frustrated and tired at the stagnant things. Frustrated at the things that aren’t moving or changing the way I thought God would make them move and change. And that alone has done a number on my faith. Just for context, I am not the girl that really struggles in that way. Yes, my faith fluctuates, but for the most part I am usually locked in to believing whatever God says...till recently. I feel okay sharing that because that’s what this blog is all about. How you and I can grow in our faith through the trials of life. But the only way we get there is if we’re honest. So here is my honesty.

About 6 months ago at this point, my life turned in a way I couldn’t have planned for. In that brought up so much question, fear, worry, doubt, anger, confusion, and the list goes on. Not because of a person, necessarily, but because I believed that God and I had an understanding of what life was about to look like. Come to find out, we saw different things. And these past few months have been me unpacking my version of things and replacing them for Gods version of things. The problem is everytime I have breakthrough or new revelation, my immediate response is :

“Okay, God, I’m ready to get things back to normal. My faith is up. My expectation is up. I have big faith and big trust. You can move now. I get it. Move. Please”.

I would love to follow that up with some miraculous story of the crazy things God did because I met Him with crazy faith. But here’s the truth. God has moved and provided - I will never discredit Him for that. He has been good and He has been faithful. He has healed and is continuing to heal, and for that I will continue to be grateful. But I started to build this resentment with God that absolutely paralyzed me. It paralyzed my faith and it paralyzed my feet. Too scared to move or choose because I felt like my faith had been disappointed.

I recently had a conversation with a friend and explained to her where I was mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I felt like I was having this big faith for God to impress me but nothing was happening - or at least that’s how it felt. So kindly, she looked at me and said “God doesn’t ask you to have big faith”. And she goes on to remind me of the verse in the bible where it talks about what God can do with your little faith. A mustard seed is what He really calls it. Fast forward to a few days later and as I am spending time with God, I feel the Holy Spirit say “Just give me what you have. That’s enough for me. I don’t need big faith, I just need your faith”. Such a simple and elementary statement. Of course all God wants is what I have. Big or small.

My personality and work ethic is built on striving. I strive to be loved, I strive to be accepted, I strive to do things big and to do it well. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do the best you can, but when it begins to plague your faith, there’s a deeper issue at hand. I thought that my way out of this season and cycle is to prove to God that He can count on me to have big faith. He can count on me to believe no matter what. When all along all He wanted was all that I had. Big or small. Broken or whole. Far or close. Hidden or seen. He wanted it all. He wants it all. Now, I am not saying that God doesn’t honor big faith, because He does. He is in the big and in the grand things. If you’re believing for a house or something huge, He can do it. Hands down, no question. But He’s also in the small and weary version of our faith. The version of our faith that says “God I believe, but help my unbelief”. And I forgot that. In a world/culture that says bigger is better, I forgot that though my God does big, He also does little by little.

So, if you find yourself locked into your faith, bold and unshaken, I love it! It’s pillars like you that keep the rest of us going and that remind us there is more. Glory to glory. But if you find yourself in the same spot I was in, I am just here to remind you that all He wants is whatever you have. Whether its broken, small, weary, burdened, or confused. He wants it. It’s safer in His hands. God can do more with your little than you can with much.

I didn‘t just create this platform as an outlet for myself. I created it because this life is hard and sometimes we just need a reminder that we’re not alone and that there is a God who loves us. There is a God who hears our prayers and is in the business of restoring our hope and faith. So, don’t be plagued by the measure of your faith and what it looks like in comparison to others. Hebrews 12 tells us to run our own race with endurance. Run your race, with your measure of faith, and allow God to expand it and grow it in His perfect way for you, just as His word says He will. 🖤

I love you!