Drowning Doubt

Goodness, part of me remembers 2020 like it was YESTERDAY! I don't want to harp on the negative but that year taught me a lot. Not just about myself but about other people, who God was and should be to me, and so much more. As trying and as crushing as that year was, God is still so good for it. If no one knows, my friends and I call ourselves "the promise sisters". Why? Because the promises and faithfulness of God is really the only thing we had to hold onto to survive what felt hell, for a lack of a better term. It felt like the only thing that kept us going was our promises from God. Marriage, children, career paths, family, and so much more. But can I be honest with you? It sucked. A lot. I found myself confused and doubtful a majority of the time during my process of trusting God. I feel like if we were all being honest with ourselves we could say that doubt is a very familiar feeling. I used to think doubt was only defined as complete denial or unbelief, but it's actually more than that. It can be covered in the cloak of fear or even shame sometimes. But God speaks this magnificent word or promise to us and it almost seems like following that high is a dry and desolate journey. What even is that, lol. At this point, I had been pretty serious about my relationship with God and felt like I was in a good place and was a good daughter. Key word...thought. That's not to say I wasn't but God knew the desire of my heart wasn't just to have good. I wanted best. I wanted His best.

Matthew 14:22 starts the story of Jesus and Peter walking on water. A famous record of when Peter's faith was tried and revealed. I want to start by saying that this passage in no way reflects someone who doesn't know Jesus or isn't familiar with Him. By this point Peter had spent a significant amount of time with Jesus and had seen many miracles performed. So, this message of walking on water isn't for the babe or fresh believer. This message is a reminder for the confused and doubtful child who forgot or simply got distracted along the way. The story goes on to talk about how Jesus sent the disciples off in their boat to travel to their next location, leaving Jesus behind to pray. Mind you, right before this the disciples witnessed the feeding of the 5,000. Front row seats to His faithfulness on display. They're at sea and the waves are getting crazy and they're being battered by the winds. Jesus makes his way across the water and immediately the disciples are fearful. Isn't it interesting how when we find ourselves in situations that seem scary or doubtful, we sometimes can't even recognize God in the midst of our situation?

Confirmation is something, I feel like, is often looked down upon. As if it's questioning God. But I think that confirmation, if gone about correctly, can be used as a tool of clarity. The Bible says we have not because we ask not. Ask Him. Peter did. Jesus identified himself and Peter responds "If it's really you, then call me to come on the water." Confirmation. Jesus says "come," and Peter steps out of the boat. Don't let doubt or fear keep you from approaching the throne in seek of clarity. I can't tell you how many times I found myself in prayer and fasting seeking clarity and confirmation. Ask Him. Peter is on the water experiencing one of the coolest things, I think, in his life. However, he begins to get distracted and fearful of the wind and waves creating chaos around him, that he begins to drown. Has that ever happened to you? You find yourself in the middle of the process of your promise and you find yourself drowning in doubt. Jesus reaches down to save him and says the iconic line "You of little faith, why did you doubt". Oof. Why did Jesus send the disciples before Him? Why did he choose a night where the waves and wind were crazy. Why does He let Peter on the water knowing what would happen? Sometimes God will allow storms in your life just to settle a truth in your heart. The truth in this situation was that Peter doubted God's ability to sustain him in the midst of the chaos. But the truth God wanted to settle in his heart was that He is able. He is faithful. He is reliable. He is who He is and He does what He says He will do.

So, if you find yourself in a season of doubt or confusion, let this truth settle in your heart. Jesus is the Son of God. He is Jehovah Jireh. He is faithful. He is not a man that He should lie. Speak life over and in your situation. The Bible his clear that we hold the power of life and death in our tongues. Sometimes I need to remember that when my attitude gets the best of me...oops. Your tongue is often referred to as the rudder of your ship. Doubtful words and a doubtful mindset can lead you into waters that will drown you in the process of your promise. Notice that the moment Jesus steps into the boat and the disciples speak that He IS the Son of God, the storm ceases. There's power in your words.

The point of my 2020 journey was not just so I had a cool story to tell other girls. it wasn't just so I could marry the guy of my dreams. It was so I could know who God was, truly. It was so I could experience who God really is. Faithful, kind, comforting, dependent, and most of all, He's the prize. With or without the husband, with or without the kids, with or without the career. He's the prize.