Day 3 - Dreaming

Guys, I kid you not. I have been sitting in front of my laptop, with my bible open for 2 hours. I wrote an entire post and it's good, if I do say so myself. The problem is, it's not right. Not right for today and not right for you in this moment.

Something I have been challenging myself with recently is being honest with God. I usually am with most things. I tell Him my feelings, my concerns, and pretty much anything happening in my life on a day to day basis. I realized the one area I have been rather quiet in, is the "desire" department. I told you yesterday that I write everything down and I threw around that word "desire" a few times. Claiming that I write down my desires...and I do! I promise I am not a liar. But as I have been spending more and more time with God lately I realized that the desires I have been writing haven't really been my own. Turns out I have been writing and believing for desires that are technically God's but I have just been labeling them as my own.

I know what you're thinking: "Faith, this isn't a bad thing. Why are you acting as if this is some horrible confession."

I know it's not bad. I am sure God loves that I want what He wants. But I am learning that there is no intimacy in that. God doesn't just want me to want what He wants just because He wants it (say that 3x fast). He wants me to desire what He wants because I truly desire it too. And it's not that I choose His desires because mine are stupid. I choose them because life is just better His way. But that's a lie. Not the part where I say it's better His way. Just the part where I say that it's the reason I choose His way. If I am being honest, I choose His desires because I am too scared to have any of my own. I am worried that I will be disappointed if I dream outside of the context of what God has planned for my life. I plague myself with this mental spiral:

"Well, what if I want something but it's not in God's plan and then I don't find out until it's too late. And then I am disappointed and frustrated at God because I told Him what I wanted and He didn't care. And now I don't even think He cares about me, so why should I trust Him? I don't really like the feeling of not trusting Him. I don't really like the feeling of being disappointed. So, how do I avoid those things? Maybe I should just stop dreaming and desiring all together. Maybe I should only leave room for what He wants and never ask or question again."

No lie, that's how my brain used to work. To the point where I cloaked my fear of my goals and dreams being ignored with the simple phrase "I just want what God wants." Hear me, this phrase in it's purest form isn't bad at all. It's God's desire that you would only want what He wants. However, when that phrase is used as a blanket to cover your fears, then no longer are you being honest with the father.

Leading up to this year, I had a few things happen that really left me feeling empty. Everything I was hoping for usually had something to do with someone else. There wasn't anything I was believing for that had solely to do with me. You might think that makes me selfless. It doesn't, because I wasn't. I was just scared. Before the year was out, I knew it was time for me to get real with God. In a moment of prayer, I felt the gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit say "what do you desire outside of what I have already spoken to you?" I didn't really know how to answer this question. What was there to dream for or desire outside of what God had promised me? I remember feeling so embarrassed when I finally sat down to write my desires because I didn't even know where to begin. I had never hoped for anything outside of my future marriage, motherhood, and ministry. So, how did I begin? I started with this simple process:

"What do you desire to do in the meantime? What do you desire to do with your alone time? Because once you have a husband and children, your dreams and desires might have to take a break because life won't just be about you anymore."

This mental dialogue is what opened my eyes to dream for more and to dream for now. Remember how I write everything down? Well, there now lives a note in my phone that is titled "New New". It is filled with the kind of job I desire to do, the kind of woman I desire to be, the kind of church I wish to attend, the kind of car I want to purchase, the kind of apartment I want to have, and the list just goes on. None of this list ignores what God wants for me. In fact this list is an invitation for God to see the truest desires of my heart so that He can come in and do as He wishes.

I love to quote Ephesians 3:20. Exceedingly and abundantly more than we could ever ask or imagine. Know that God can't exceed a desire or dream if there isn't one to begin with. This post is in no way my attempt at telling you to ignore God's desires for your life. No! Receive what He wants for you because it is good. This post is to remind the person who stopped dreaming for themselves along the way. This is for the person who is too scared or too wounded to even dare to dream again. I'll end with this: We need to dream big dreams. Not because they are greater than God but because God can make them greater.

Sweet dreams, friend.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank you for yet another day. God I thank you that you love us enough to leave no stone in our heart unturned. You aren't satisfied with fear ridden trust. You want trust that allows you to go deep into our hearts. So, I pray that if there is any part of ourselves that we have been hiding from you, show us. It may not be big and it may not be sin but whatever it is, reveal it. We desire true intimacy with you and we know it begins with full honesty and full surrender. Father, for those of us that are riddled with disappointment and fear, heal us. Give us a heart of flesh that will encourage us to dream again. We know it isn't about things or milestones - we just want to see your glory and experience it first hand. Help us. Restore us. Exceed us. More than we could've ever thought or imagined. We love you. In Jesus name, amen.